The power of words are mind blowing, and the power of them over the human mind is a terribly powerful thing. Whether we say them to ourselves thru whispers or someone says them to us. Sometimes those words hit us so hard they make us physically sick, because when a mind processes words that hurt the emotional heart the body is physically affected. And for those of us who will bend over backwards for others if someone says things, hurtful things, we begin to doubt ourselves, we lose hope, we think what if they are right, what if we really are what they claim we are. Then we lose ourselves.
I was deeply affected several days ago by the electronic words of another, the words cut so deep, there’s a part of me who wonders if I am exactly as they say I am. And yet a part of me knows exactly who I am. Those words spoken by them left me in a terrible mental state for several days and I deeply doubted myself, I kept rethinking myself to the point of actively emotionally shutting down because according to them it would be the greater good for everyone if I wasn’t around, if I had not become active again, if I was quiet and didn’t interact with anyone. That I didn’t care and I only loved myself and I was using my health to manipulate others.
Here’s the thing that it took me the last several days to realize, I knew it but It needed to be a focus in my mind.
1) My health is my everything, because of it I’m trapped in my home. Because of it I avoid people, I’m a hermit. I’m not afraid to go outside, I’m not afraid to walk down the street but I know if I do, I won’t be breathing well and it will only get hard the further I go. So common sense says hey Jay you should stay close to home. I went and got the mail the other day, that for me was huge. That was pushing the boundaries, that was pushing my body. It is the thing I deal with in my face every day of my waking moments. It is not something I can hide or brush under a rug and deal with later, there is no dealing with later, because it is always in the now. And I am finally coming to grips with it, but it is still a mind boggling hard to swallow thing to cope with. And part of me thought I would lose friends because of it.
2) If I have a panic attack over breathing or a scent affects me really bad I will do anything to get myself into a safe place. But before I do that I will bend over backwards doing my damndest to not offend anyone because I’m having problems breathing. Only after I am very past the point of trying to swallow anymore does my body start to panic and then so my brain. But I push the line so hard because I don’t want to offend anyone by saying so hey your scent is making me ill and as much as I want your company I can’t breathe around you and even when I finally do say it…it’s past the point of no return for me. By the time I have said it, it is because I have no last resort, I’m saying it because I’m about to blackout from the difficulty to swallow and breath. I’m not manipulating anyone I am in full on body panic, because frankly I don’t want to put anyone out. So if any of that is manipulating, then yes I manipulate, because I don’t want to lose a friend because I asked them to bathe or told them they had to leave because I couldn’t breathe or swallow around them.
3) My breaking point is way past others, and I try so hard to support and cherish those around me whether or not they are really close to me or they are a very new friend.
I fight everyday to interact and reach out to those around me, to not let my depression consume me. I try also to keep my battles private but on the same hand people say if you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it. So when I do asked I’m then ripped apart for it. This makes no sense. If I am supposed to not be around people or ask for help when it is needed most, why then strike me down for doing what people tell me to do.
It’s not like I’m asking for a yacht, or buying tons of shit while my kids go hungry. No because I take care of all that, but there have been times where I was in dire straights due to a roommate falling thru because they had to be evicted because what they did affected my children and the household and then there was the physical, emotional and financial fall out from it. And that fall out I’m still working thru but In no way will I ask for anymore help because I am trying to do it on my own and I was helped when it was needed most. Nothing is cheap or inexpensive. I am so grateful for the help and the words spoken to me in that time of need, because even then those words were loving and supportive.
I get 900.00 a month in child support out of that goes 500.00 to rent and then the other 400.00 goes to bills. But the bills are almost a thousand every month so I pay a little on each, and that means we don’t get electric shut off and we still can use what we need to.
My other roommate pays 1000.00, our rent is 1500.00 so he pays 2/3rds of the rent and I pay my rent and all the utilities every month and we do the best we can. I try really hard to handle it all and up until the first week of august we did have it all under wraps because we had another roommate who could pay a 3rd of the rent and a couple of bills that I didn’t know existed the way they did. But after he left due to the choices he made that affected all of us, I was obligated to pick up the pieces which meant more bills I had to cover and I asked my roommate to pay the extra rent because there was no way I could.
There however are others out there in worse financial straits than me, so then I also tend to feel like I’m a horrible person for asking for help when I have because It seemed like I couldn’t get my butt in gear and properly balance everything, tho whole not being a burden to others.And In asking for financial help I became an even bigger burden.
I guess part of me is trying to figure out where they got the idea that I’m manipulating others with my health, that I am the worst, that I make people feel lonely once I according to them have no use for people. that I use my health as an excuse to throw others away, and frequently play on those sympathies of those who don’t know me. That I am lying, causing people to hate me when they have loved me. That I don’t care and that I use people, that I’m playing on the emotions of others. And that the world was a better place when I didn’t interact with anyone because according to them I could manipulate or use people to get what I wanted. That I only care for myself and love no one but myself.
These words they hit me hard, they consume my mind and make me doubt who I am as a person, make me wonder if I’m really like this, if everyone actually sees me like this but everyone is to polite to say anything. Makes me feel like going back to being a recluse is in everyone’s best interest. And yet there’s a tiny voice inside of me that says this person is having a hard time, is hurting very deeply and is lashing out at me because for whatever the current reason I am their target. Yes we dated last year and I withdrew because of my health but I didn’t use it against them, hell I had seizures in front of them, you can’t fake a seizure, I had a hard time dealing with a lot of stuff, they saw my health, my struggles I even paid them to come clean my living room. And yet somehow I am the poison apple in their lives. So am I a poison apple or am I just a scapegoat? If so and it will help them heal then I will take the blame, I will accept their words but if not, if in the end they are just as bitter then what happens then? What happens then?
Musings of a Goblin King 